Contempt – calling names, being sarcastic, mocking, using put-downs. Stop Being Defensive. How to Connect When Your Partner Is Being Defensive. This page is focused on real attacks, not perceived. We attribute unchangeable traits to others. Having few relationships. The defensive pot shots I’d continuously lobbed had eroded the good in that relationship. Learning to listen without getting defensive won’t happen overnight, it will take time and practice. ... That relationship may have ended, but some scars still haven’t healed. Be open and objective. A feeling of low self-esteem can also make you defensive. For most of us, listening without getting defensive is a hard skill to master. Listen to the truth within the criticism. It even occurs in normal, non-emotionally charged, conversations. 3. Defensiveness is an impulse. Nothing good ever comes of it, right? But it is time to cut the embarrassment. If you want to be less defensive in relationships, you have to be less defensive, period. Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, it doesn't resolve it. Slow down. 1. I finally had my ADHD diagnosed about two years ago. A trigger is an issue that is sensitive to our heart—typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship. Defensive behavior might stem from a tough childhood or traumatic past, which can make a person more likely to “react through a negative lens,” said Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, a … Don’t control other people’s behavior but give them time to feel better. Take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts. Take responsibility for yourself. On top of that, it’s frustrating and annoying to the people around you. So you think: ‘If only I can manage my emotions better.’ But here’s the real deal: getting a better grip of your emotions won’t solve defensiveness in your relationship. Be kind when you notice the signs. Defensiveness is one way that we protect our egos. 2 Responses to How To Stop Being Defensive Julianna June 20, 2016 at 12:46 pm # Thank you, having read 8 or more articles about being defensive, your article I believe will enable me to just stop and listen to critique or perceived critique and to remove myself from the perceived personal attack, really touched by your article In many cases, leaving behind defensive listening makes the relationship much stronger and better at communication. Instead, you can learn to put the past behind you, harness self-esteem, and work out communication with your partner that is constructive. 2. Defensiveness is a natural reaction to feeling alone or criticized. However, having it be a default tells your partner their feelings don’t matter. There’s this married couple. Let’s call them John and Cindy because we’ve made them up. That’s the problem. Relationships are built on trust. As hurt and angry as you might feel, don't get defensive.Being needy for attention, whining, or trying to justify being needy isn't going to move your partner closer to you. That could be something you believe in, an aspect of your personality, or even someone you love—it’s a normal human emotion to experience. Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can lead to long term damage. They feel as though they are being attacked and/or are expecting to be criticised. Being overly defensive is a problem that needs to be dealt with separately. By exploring the effects that defensive listening might have on relationships, you are better equipped with the knowledge and reasons necessary to put a stop to it. 7. It can be at work, with your children, or with family, friends even neighbours, and it will definitely come up in your intimate love sexual relationship. Being defensive can be a real road block for healthy communication in your relationship. Our Offer; Our Founder; Other Sources; Our Community I agree with others about getting a therapist, that's how I started getting better. How To Stop Being Defensive with John Gottman’s Antidode to Defensiveness 1. Being defensive is my biggest struggle in relationships, romantic or not. We’ve all heard or said the classic statement, “Defense wins championships.” But being defensive however, wins nothing. It won’t necessarily be easy—toxic relationships can have toxic endings—so take any necessary precautions to ensure a safe exit. An exercise my therapist taught me was to practice naming your feelings throughout the day, not just when you're triggered into a defensive response. When others misunderstand me and get defensive, I clarify what I mean by using contrasting (what I don’t and do mean). March 29, 2018 by Dr. Zakk Gammon I see it all the time – couples who want to improve their relationship by sharing things their spouse could do better. If... 2. When someone accuses you of being defensive that’s a form of gaslighting because they’re simply saying to you, “Well, the problem is you. We had a conflict over some texts in his cell & he set most of them straight, admitting he was wrong for saying certain things to girls. Again, being defensive is quite normal and functions in an effort to keep you safe; however, if it begins to impact your relationships and career, then you want to seek help to get you to a … This is especially true when our partner is talking about a trigger of ours. My mother told me that since I’ve been in this abusive relationship for the past 3 years it has turned me so defensive I come off as if I’m always being attacked and it’s because that’s always how I feel! ― Anthony Kiedis, Scar Tissue. Even if it’s hard at the time, your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being are worth it. The defensive reaction. Your defensiveness is killing your relationships and you don’t even realize it. What? Me being defensive? I’m not defensive! YOU’RE the one that’s always defensive! That’s a classic defensive response to a piece of feedback. Throw up a wall, rebut the statement, and accuse the other person of the same complaint. Since being defensive is a natural response, it's sometimes hard to recognize when it's occurring. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You talk – and your partner reacts defensively. Show them you are actively listening by nodding or asking questions. By being defensive, both partners handicap their ability to understand each other's perspective. The next time you find yourself being defensive with your spouse, remember: Take a time out to listen and understand each other, then discuss ways to do things differently in the future. Strategies for Overcoming Defensiveness 1. There’s 1 who he’s being unclear about & … Stop Being Defensive Tip #1: Notice. All relationships experience defensiveness sometimes. You and your partner are not all-knowing, so it’s totally normal to … Acknowledging to yourself that you are becoming defensive is a great first step. Defensiveness Doesn’t Protect a Relationship: 4 DIY Remedies. In a certain situation, one person can exhibit offensive behavior, while the other party can display defensive behavior as a response. So, if it looks like your partner is defensive, it may be that he or she is feeling attacked. Communication about any issue is impossible, creating increasing distance in your relationship. So, learning to avoid becoming defensive will reduce that potential greatly. Submitted by Carl on 02/24/2010. One of the main things that can hamper a romantic relationship is … They protect us from feeling a type of pain that results from conflicts in the relationship. 3. If you recognize your own relationship in any of these descriptions, consider whether you may need to end it. It was just a habit - a bad one. Stonewalling – disengaging, shutting down, withdrawing, retreating, ignoring. 2. Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. However, there are some helpful strategies we can use to deal with our own defensiveness and that of others: Re-frame the behavior – Rather than label a person’s defensive behavior as bad, understand it for what it is – defensive. Become a problem solver in a calm and mindful state. Why People Get Defensive in Relationships. There are probably a million trillion red flags in a relationship out there we shouldn’t ignore but these are my top 5. Emotional responses as a quick reaction nearly always make a situation worse and it can easily escalate the things beyond repair in a relationship. Defensive Behavior Is One Of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse In Relationships. Defensive behaviors have the purpose of distracting you from your feelings of being hurt and feeling shamed. In this process, arguments can happen. The third horsemen in the Four Horsemen is defensiveness, which is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. In his book When Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman alerts us to the most common signs of defensiveness. ... Good communication in marriage during conflicts is what keeps a relationship together. Take a breath, acknowledge you feel this way and ask yourself if there is a valid reason to feel defensive. Acknowledge What Was Said. By being defensive, you may unintentionally hurt your partner and again escalate the problem. There is no All-Pro Defensiveness team and anyone named to this inglorious, fictional squad, would well be on their way to having some serious issues with their relationship or marriage.We get it: Defensiveness is a gut reaction to feeling alone or unfairly … It’s natural to get defensive when your positive self-image is threatened by a complaint or criticism—but your defensiveness may not serve you, your partner, or your relationship.

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